Sibling Jealousy

What is Sibling Jealousy?

What Are the Pros of Having More Than One Child?

It is likely that your children will develop a closer relationship in the future. Siblings doing things together gives your child the opportunity to develop important skills, such as being cooperative and sharing, and trying to understand the other person's point of view, etc.

"What Causes Sibling Jealousy?"

There are many factors that cause sibling jealousy. If we look at what these are;

• Every child competes to define themselves as an individual. They struggle to find their own talents, interests, skills and activities. They try to show how they are different from their siblings.
• Children become restless when they feel that they are not receiving equal amounts of attention, care and discipline from their families.
• Children may think or feel that their relationships with their families are threatened by the new baby.
• Children's developmental levels affect how they react to sharing your attention and spending time with someone else.
• Children who are tired, bored and hungry are more likely to be disappointed and frustrated and are more likely to fight.
• Children may not interpret play initiation behaviors from their siblings as positive and may choose to fight instead.
• Family dynamics also play an important role. For example; the family's own child may remind them of another naughty and difficult-to-relate relative in the family, and in this case, the family may unconsciously influence their behavior towards the child.
• Limited family time or few activities done together as a family can increase conflict between children.
• Stress within the family causes the time spent with children and the interest in them to decrease, which increases sibling jealousy between children. In addition, a child growing up in a stressful environment has difficulty tolerating this situation when faced with a negative situation or is hindered; and tends to conflict.
• When we look at families where children fight more; it has been observed that fighting is seen as a normal and acceptable way to solve problems within the family. The child learns to fight from the family.
• How families behave towards their children and how they react during arguments can be effective in siblings getting along.
• “How can I help my children get along?”
• First of all, never make comparative sentences with your children. For example; “Your sibling’s math grades are very good, why are your grades like that?”
• Give your children the opportunity to be themselves, do not try to label them.
• Make positive statements about your children's individual successes and talents.
• Try to create activities that your children can do together in cooperation instead of activities that will create a competitive environment. For example; instead of "who will pick up the toys faster?"; you can give the children a time and have them pick up the toys together and do it in a game-like manner.
• It is important to pay attention to the time when fights start. Fights can often happen before bedtime or before mealtime. Anticipating such situations and taking control can help prevent fights.
• Teach your children acceptable and appropriate ways to attract attention. Try to show them how to behave when they want to play with other children and their siblings, how to express this, and how to share their toys.
• It is very important to be fair to children, but this does not mean being equal, at the same time. Older and younger siblings may have different privileges depending on their age levels; However, children can understand this inequality, the older sibling may have more responsibility, and the younger sibling feels that there is an unequal environment because they cannot be the older child. No matter how much you think you are raising your children equally, they may feel that they do not receive equal attention and care from you. For this reason, you should be prepared to explain the decisions you make to your children, and you should reassure them that you are doing your best to meet their needs.
• Planning family activities is fun for everyone. If your children have good memories of each other, these good moments will act as a buffer during arguments and fights. Sharing these warm memories will be more helpful in solving problems.
• Make sure that each of your children has enough space and time for themselves. Children need time to spend with their friends without their siblings, and they need their own special items and time.

Be There for Each of Your Children;

• If possible; set aside a separate and alone time for each of your children. Each parent should try to spend one-on-one time with a single child at regular intervals. You can try by setting aside a few minutes during the day. 10 minutes spent one-on-one with your child without any interruptions can be very meaningful for him/her.
• When you are alone with your children, you may want to ask them what their sibling does well and whether they really like them or what their sibling does that bothers them. This will help you keep their relationship on track and will also remind them that their siblings have some positive feelings towards each other.
• Really listen to what your children think and feel about what is going on in the family.
• Make your child feel that he/she is unique and special in life.
• Emphasize the different characteristics of your children.

When Resolving Conflicts;

• Research shows that families should not remain indifferent to their children's fights. Allow your children to solve their own problems, but remember that younger siblings will need your intervention and structuring in solving the problem. You should not take sides and do not favor one of your children over the others. First, you should stay calm and separate the children, then ask questions about how the fight started.
• You should help your children develop their own problem-solving skills. You should show them the importance of sacrifice, treating others with respect, and sharing equally. When you give them these tools, you will eventually allow them to see that they can overcome a problem on their own, and this will give them a sense of confidence.
• Do not yell at your children or scold them, this will not help at all to solve the situation.
• It does not matter who started the fight, because it takes two people to start a fight. When the rules are not followed, it is necessary to hold both children equally responsible.
• In times of argument or conflict; It is necessary to give children the opportunity to express their feelings about each other. Do not try to talk to your children by ignoring their feelings or emotions, help them find the right words to express their feelings. It is necessary to show them and set an example how to speak appropriately and express feelings without shouting, using violence, calling names or making fun during an argument.
• It is necessary to encourage agreement and compromise where both parties gain something.
• You can give your children premonitory stimuli and reminders. (For example; count to 3 etc.) You can help them by reminding them to express their feelings towards each other when they start teasing each other. You can offer them options to solve the problems and help them solve their problems on their own, but you should let them decide what the best option would be.
• If you constantly feel angry with your children, they undoubtedly feel angry with each other. It should not be forgotten that anger feeds itself; so you need to learn to control your anger so that you can teach your children how to control their anger.
• You can teach your children conflict resolution skills during calm times.
• When interacting with your children and other family members, be a good model for your children in problem-solving skills.

During Intervention in Children;

Dangerous fights should be ended immediately. In such cases, children should be separated and removed, and after they calm down, what happened should be talked about. In this way, what happened is understood more clearly and the possibility of fighting again is reduced.

If your children are physically violent towards each other or if one of the children is constantly being beaten by his/her sibling and cannot fight back, you are facing sibling abuse. You should urgently seek help from an expert in this regard.

Include your children when determining your rules. The rules should be clear and explicit; children should know what they will encounter if they do not follow these rules; this can help prevent problems a little. Here are a few suggestions for this;

• It is strictly forbidden to harm each other in arguments. (kicking, punching, hitting..)
• No name calling, shouting and complaining
• Whoever wants to be first and insists on it will be the last.
• It is absolutely forbidden to make fun of the sibling who is being punished, if such a situation occurs, the one who makes fun will be punished.

You can create new rules by shaping these rules according to your own family dynamics.